So we all have fears of becoming THAT girl. Whether it be the annoying girl, slutty girl, flirts with your boyfriend girl etc. Today I am referring to the annoying, "I need a man girl." So I really have never been single for long before, and after talking on the phone with my good friend Peter, I realized its been a good 4 months since I've gotten some!!! I was also discussing how I am sick and tired of the random hook up, or bootie call...so the next guy I marry will be my husband (or at least possibly could be my husband). The random hook up, you wake up feeling slutty, and have mixed emotions concerning the follow up call. Part of you -- not so jazzed about him dont care to continue any drunken conversation you had started the previous night -- the other part hopes he calls to relinquish that slutty whorish feeling in your belly. So once again, I'm through with that (not that there were that many to begin with)! The bootie call...much more comfortable feeling, you know there will be a follow up call, the sex generally good, and the best part no increase of the numbers. The problem, the boy starts to disrespect you (e.g. the only time you hear from him is 2am) and in the morning your belly still churns a bit, oh and inevitably you find out that there was other booty in the picture (more churning).
Back to my point -- I need a man! I mean a real man, not a booty call, but a boy I actually want to call me, that makes the earth shake, and fills my belly with butterflies. And believe me I have met plenty of sweet Joy worthy boys, but where is that feeling??? What is wrong with me that I cant seem to replicate that feeling with any of the new boys I met. I think the problem my lie in my last earth shattering relationship...wow I had it bad for this boy, so bad that that ground shaking I was talking about...yeah will I guess finally the earth opened up and swallowed that relationship whole. Basically he dumped me! My first non my choice or mutual break up, and it sucks!!! I still want to vomit when I think about it, and its been almost a year. So what does that mean? Not only am I that male hungry woman, I'm also pathetic and cant get over my ex-boyfriend when we only dated for 8months! Besides for all this I am surrounded by happy couples and I'm scared out of my mind. I'm searching my mind, scanning my body, reviewing my personality. Have I changed somehow? Will I be single and pseudo lonley forever? I'm 25, I know its not quite so desperate for quite so desperate measures, but time continues to march on. And I am that girl, I want babies, and cuddling, and sweet kisses, and big weddings...So whats wrong with me???? I dont believe in fate, happiness is definitly something you create...so huhhhh....What should I do? What can I do? I accept dates, try my hardest no to be picky or protective, or the million and one things people do to set relationships up for failure.

So what to do? I guess I'll continue to fill my time with sailing, cardiobox, whatever else gets me through the day. I suppose I will continue to dabble in online dating, though we all know how much fun that can be...and I guess I'll hold out hope. That one day me and my star crossed lover will actually cross, and I'll have the insight to not let that experience get away. Until then I will continue being THAT annoying man hungry girl (without the random hook ups or bootie calls). I can only hope that if I ever get too annoying or desperate that one of the wiser chicas in my life will slap me around...until then continue to bring on the men!

Cheers!

So I have officially joined Diary Land. I shall see if I have anything interesting to say...or if I get booed off the sight for ensuing boredom on my poor friends who feel obligated to read.

Another busy weekend...another busy week, another busy weekend coming up. Running, running, errands, planning, calenders...will sleep when I'm dead no time to chat I'm late I'm late I'm late. This is what my life has become, or perhaps this is what my life has always been. My excuse, or rationale...life is too short. I must experience everything I can, no time for laziness there is no room in my scheduele for a snooze on that new couch of mine. Sometimes I wonder why I have furniture, the only piece I seem to use is my bed and closet. Sometimes I think this schedule of mine, is a filler, a filler for the voids in my heart and in my head. A chance for me not to have to worry if I will find someone to fill the time that is now clustered with an array of social events and activities. And then other times, I couldnt imagine my life any other way. I love camping with my friends, and trips to far away places. I love sailing, where I get to escape the chaos of the city, a chance where the only people I'm bumping shoulder to shoulder with our my crew and my helmsmen. I love being with my best friend cheetah, and our ridiculous adventures. So perhaps I'm not filling, but living??? Perhaps those critical voices are mere chatter of jealousy. Jealousy from people who do not know the elation of the spray of the lake, while rounding a bouy in first place, or the excitement of an impromput Brett Michaels concert, or the gratitude from the devotion to a best friends wedding activities.

Whether filling or living, I think I'll take my whirlwind life. I'll trade in fatigue and a bit of chaos over the buzz of the television set any day. As for that soulmate of mine, I only hope that once I find him, he'll be understanding, and want to fill/live as much as I do. And that he'll realize that life is too short for "napping" : )